Today my dad would have been 71. When I had his birthday party last year I had a feeling it was the last one he would have, but it doesn't make it any easier today. I have spent most of this day either in tears or angry as a hornet's nest that just got run over by a lawn mower....
The death certificate is in now and I can pick it up when ever I want to ...I just don't want the stupid piece of paper that says that my dad is "officially dead" any where near me. I know it's just a piece of paper, but it seems like the final rubber stamp if you know what I mean. I had a really shitty year last year... left dad in last year except for his memorial service which was almost two weeks ago. I hate the idea of moving on...but it has to happen...
I am having a hell of a time getting the house clean and set up again. It was all set on the way he wanted stuff done. Now it's like I am a kid wearing dad's shoes and suit coat... way to big for my safety...and comfort I'd guess. Those shoes are just way too big to fill right now.
I can't even find a way to take care of my little sister. She's an adult... she has two kids of her own. but... she is still the baby and I want to make sure that she is OK.... she will be here this weekend, and I can just see the wheels turning in her brain... I am doomed! she is going to want to know all those fun things that I am NOT ready to deal with.
I am trying to get all the bills together, set up the file system that I have been trying to get set up since mom died 17 1/2 months ago. yeah that is so not working. I guess it's a good thing that I am not working right now... I would probably just fall apart if I was. I was so busy with mom when she passed that I took off two weeks and then got in trouble for that. so better I have no job... right? actually is it? I have NO sense of purpose that doesn't feel like I am trying to dismantle a lifetime of memories, mementos, and collecting... the house is bad enough without mom.... but dad being gone too is almost unbearable...especially today....
well, he would have been 71 today. He would have celebrated lots of things today.. but he is gone. I know in my gutt that he is happier now because he is home where ever he is with mom. As much as they fought they really did love each other. She was an opinionated, outspoken, assertive pain in the butt... He was a cantankerous, grouchy, exceptionally intelligent bookworm....but they sure did make a great couple... and they definitely loved one another.
