That being said....
Once in a while I find an outlet for my creative energies...
For the most part I am just boring old Vickie and have not really changed much... or that is what I had convinced myself to believe until recently.
I am now one of two children who has lost her parents as an adult and is now realizing how utterly unimportant my life really is. I have good and bad days and for the most part am moving forward, but the stupid house is dirty, in complete disarray and looks like hell. I feel like crap more than 75% of the time and all I want to do is go to bed and cry. I have very few things in my life to be proud of... my kids are the majority of the pride that I have and there are days I question how proud of them I deserve to be... my mom did the majority of the work there (let's be honest-I was working...and as y'all are so fond of pointing out to me... they are assholes and your kids would never be allowed to act like that)
Honestly even my one best accomplishment is looking pretty damned sad and beleaguered My dog...my poor dog...he is stuck living with people who are not at all giving a shit about him... I am trying to care what is going on with him...
But I have trouble wanting to get up in the morning and take a fucking shower... so how the hell am I supposed to take care of a dog, a husband, three kids and this house that I have been stuck with...
which is a hell hole I may add...I am stuck in a house I hate...Let me tell you how much fun it is to wake up every day and the one place you have as a respite is the house that is full of your parents lifetime of possessions.... so much for a mental health break.
I know at least I have a house...I am so dang lucky... all i have to do is just pay taxes and insurance and poof my life is so much easier than those of you who aren't lucky enough to have your parents both die in less than 18 months...must be rough... you can call your mom and get reaffirmed that you are still OK and a decent parent.... guess that was one of those choices.... that I am constantly reminded that I make them and its' my own damned fault cause loosing them was MY fault right? I thought it was a great idea and chose that one let me tell ya...nothing like looking at a dead body in a bed that is being kept alive by machines and making the choice to let the body go... the soul was gone a long time ago...
I am finding that with my dad gone now I am falling into that never ending tunnel of "who gives a shit" and while at some level I do give a shit I am so damned overwhelmed with all of the crap in my stupid overinflated overextended fouled up life...
I find myself getting annoyed with things that used to make me happy...
I love to sew. REALLY love to sew.
But right now if you were to ask me about my sewing projects I would probably snort and tell you that I am in the middle of trying to have a space to sew, or that there are tons of things I am working on, but to be completely honest I am so tired of people wanting something and then changing their minds about it mid project... ok well I know it made it easier for me because now I don't have to hurry and that's less stress...call it like it is...you couldn't be bothered to wait for me to finish because I am pitifully slow at completing anything. I get it... and Yes! my self worth has suffered yet another blow. Thank GOD for low self esteem... you will ask me to do something for you again and I am stupid enough to do it... hmmmm see the circle? I am beginning to...
I cry randomly and for stupid reasons.
I hate my life.
I hate the fact that all I am able to do is just keep living my life and try not to let it get too far ahead of me.
I apparently am not good for anything with the exception of watching other people's kids... both at home and in my chosen form of recreation.... don't get me wrong... I love kids... but everyone needs to be loved for them self not just for what they can do for you....
I have the typical ailment that most oldest children have... my self worth is invested so heavily into my family that now that I have NO Parents I have NO COMPASS.
I feel like no one gives a shit as long as they can use up the skills that I have and get what they want.
Yeah, by the way thanks for asking if I WANTED to go lately everyone is either telling me what I am doing or excluding me (I actually enjoy people wanting me to come over, do something with them that doesn't benefit them. Just hang out and be friends.)
I love all of my kids... yeah I count yours as mine...but right now is not the right time for me to be taking extras... I can't manage mine half the time
Now, I have to PROVE to these people (yes that means you) that I AM CAPABLE of being me...even if I am SO not ready to be me right now...
Meanwhile, I go off and take care of the business of providing for the kids in the barony that I "play" in.
I have to say that for the most part I am sick and tired of everyone wanting to console me when I am ok and then dumping my fat ass when I am having a bad day.
When you call me I come running.
When you need me I am there, to listen, give you clothing, food, shelter, help, compassion, love and a sense of humor.
YEAH YEAH>>>I made my choices. I get it.
My question to you is this?
What have YOU done for ME lately?
Have you told me that you value me as a friend?
Have you randomly showed up just to check in? No, I didn't say have you called, texted, poked or what ever on line...and yes I know that the street goes two ways...but when was the last time you came to MY house?
Have you stopped to think that I may need a real break where I am allowed to just spend the day in tears?
Yes I am a selfish bitch!
well here is my new year's resolution...weeks late and inadequate as always...but it is what it is...
NO! I will NOT watch your kids I will take them and have a good time with them at time that is good for me if it doesn't work for your "busy" schedule tough...
NO! I will NOT make you anything- garb or other projects including any and all costumes unless you are right next to me doing it too... if you don't know how I will TEACH you but I am not doing it.
NO! I do NOT want to hear about your problems unless you really want my completely unshielded open and honest opinion.
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YES ! My teenaged children are
ASSHOLES. I hope yours are too so that you can see how perfect you aren't either.
YES! I am a SHITTY MOTHER . Point taken. Y'all have this habit of taking my faults and throwing them back in my face when I just needed someone to listen... I know what is wrong with me... and MY KIDS. Have you looked at your lives?
So before I go off and throw myself into the damned river off the cliff with a bullet in my head(yes being mellow-dramatic) ....I am now officially in an IT'S ABOUT ME state. You have all been warned...don't like it? too bad. I am too tired to care..
so if you actually made it through this without hating me give me a call... if not... well as my father was fond of saying... don't let the door hit you...
